new leaves

I'm blowing off my psych. appointment.

And I don't feel bad about it.

A few weeks ago I started taking Celexa as well as Wellbutrin to combat the anxiety and depression I had sunk into after getting pregnant. At first, as with any new mood altering drug, it was hard to sleep and I felt jittery and just awful. I was considering just giving up on the whole thing. But I was encouraged to persevere by Dr. Steiner and I noticed the difference within a few days of the new medication. It's like magic.
Side note: I know that I'm pregnant and so these drugs are also being passed to the baby, but if the professionals think this is better for the baby than having an emotional wreck of a mother would be, than I must do what I must do. If the professionals thought it would be better to take me off all of the drugs, I would. I really do want the best for my little bean.
So anyway as I was saying, I began to feel better in no time at all. In fact, I haven't had a weepy spell at all since starting on Celexa. This is big! I was having them at least every couple of days. And that is just the beginning!
I got the nesting urge, and got everything ready for Carter's arrival. His clothes are clean and folded, bassinet is in the corner of our room, fit with blankets and mobile, and all of his things have a special place in our tiny environment.
I am painting for him! I had been meaning to do this for months and just couldn't. But now I'm at it. I am rubbing my belly affectionately without even realizing I am doing it. I sing Jimmy Eat World songs to him and fantasize about the moment we meet, what he will look like, and what his favourite disney movie might be. This is how I knew I wanted to be but I wasn't and I knew he deserved better. Now he has better because I feel so much more like me. Fuckin' eh.

So screw the appointment. I will reschedule. I just don't feel like talking about negative feelings today. I left my last appointment feeling like pond scum, anyway. Next time. Promise.