all the things my boyfriend does

CONS:
- he is constantly grabbing at me and saying "oooo" in a high pitched voice.
- he says "titties" and in a really, really creepy way
- he watches television non-stop
- when i use big words he thinks i'm intentionally making him feel dumb.
- he likes to slam on the brakes when we're in the car, just to hear me freak out.
- He acts like he doesn't love Breakfast (the ferret) when we're around anybody at all.
- he's a bit of a slob. a bit.
- huge blanket hog
- while we're on the topic of sleeping, he also hits me in his sleep. not hard, but enough so that I stay awake for half an hour after, fuming and tempted to kick him the ass
- he burps constantly. he's always getting dirty looks when we go out to eat.

PROS:
- i like that he is so predictable. makes me super comfortable.
- he cooks with me, and for me.
- i guess it's a good thing that he's constantly grabbing at me. I should probably worry when he stops...
- he kisses me on the forehead
- he buys me flowers for every occasion. Even Easter. Today, being Canada day, I'll probably get flowers. It's just the way he is. Nice.
- Everybody loves him, everybody.
- We always have a huge laugh together.
- He takes me to the Drive- In
- He buys me groceries when I have no food.
- he fawns over breakfast and calls him 'heddos' when no one is around...
- he likes to go to the trailer with me!
- he automatically turns up the volume when he sees me going to the bathroom.
- he holds my hand.
- He's over-protective.
- He has come over to rescue me at 4 in the morning a couple of times.
- he never stays mad
- i love the way he smells.
- and he has big muscles.
- he's careful with money, and very responsible.
- he doesn't fart around me.
- my heart is safe with him

honest lawyer: the movie.

Lindsay divorces the donut.

Now is the time for an intervention. A dietary overhaul.
I am saying this as I shove a handful of Hersheys Kissables into my mouth. I disgust myself.
Now don't get me wrong, I am by no means calling myself fat. I am simply stating that I have boarded to monorail to Letmyselfgoville.
I am heavier than I have ever been in my life. And I'm not even the pig I used to be! I feel like I need to reference my last post at this point. I do not want to turn 23.

But there are so many tasty things in the world!
Mike and I were at the trailer this weekend (again) and we bought all kinds of delicious treats. Honey Buns. mmm. Chocolate covered marshmallow pops. mmm. Mike forgot to pack some of my "insulation" and I went ballistic. I have officially become a whale, if only on the inside (and slowly expanding).

So here is the plan! I am not buying this garbage anymore. I have to get serious now. I really cannot buy this shit no more. I am not even going to go back and correct that atrocious last sentence because it was written in the heat of passion and the last thing I need is to lose any of this weight-loss passion. I have decided to only consume sugar on Sunday. I can't go without it entirely as I will most likely end up running off a cliff with my arms and mouth full of those goddamn honey buns crying sweet guilty tears of regret. So I have to be realistic. Sundays will be fine. No more honest lawyer food, either. Just lots of fruit and veggies and Harvest Crunch cereal. I will be malnourished if I have to. I will puke up these 20 pounds if I have to. I don't care. I'm not ready to be a lard ass.

I don't want anyone commenting on this post about how 127 pounds isn't fat at all. I already fucking know that. I'm just uncomfortable with it. Because I am ridiculously insecure and most of my self-worth is derived from my physical appearance. Don't you feel sorry for me?

With that being said, I have decided to start jogging! I think I may need to buy a sports bra first though, as this extra weight has added a little bounce to my decolatage. I am also going to eat a lot more celery, and a lot more ex-lax. Yeah I just wrote that. Fuck it.

as i get older...

-I have begun to notice that I can't get away with eating the things that I used to. My arms are a little flabby and in my armpit I am stashing chicken breasts. You can sometimes catch my stolen chicken breast peeking out when I wear strapless shirts/dresses and sometimes tank tops. I look at the 18 and 19 year old girls at work and wish I had their legs. This is happening already?! I hate this! I never thought this would happen!
How does someone eat better? How do you undo an entire 23 years of gluttony and turn it all around, and become a salad muncher? HOW? I'm going grocery shopping today and I have to bring Mike. He is always the voice of reason in situations like this because I have absolutely no self control.
-My feet stink, like, all the time. They never used to. Even scrubbing them on the edge of the bathtub doesn't always work. Is it weird that I kind of like the smell of my stinky feet? Ew, yes it is, Lindsay. Don't ever admit to shit like that again.
-I value my relationship with my parents. I don't think I ever used to. I think I used to think I used to, but I don't really think I knew what I was doing when I thought so. ;) And now I know so.
-I saw a little girl with pigtails in her hair running around the restaurant today and I actually said to myself I want one just like you. Also, in terms of this type of thing, I am dealing with a lot of guilt and sadness that I don't think I will ever shake, and the weight of it makes me realize that I really must be grown up now because I am somehow managing to carry it. The little girl was really cute though... and I wonder now.
-I totally found a wrinkle on my forehead. How shitty is that? Seriously.
-Contentment has become my one and only goal. At this, I am admittedly still struggling from time to time. Probably because of the virgo in me. Don't let us virgos into your life. We are like barnacles.

But all the same, I am still only turning 23. There is so much time and honestly, I'm kind of glad I'm getting older. I am glad I have gotten things out of my system like dating utterly inappropriate men, taking drugs and partying all night long, and all of the other things that I can't believe I actually did over the last few years. Doing all that stuff sucked, but it has given me the experience that I need to have in order to develop into a wise and intelligent woman. That's become so important to me, and that's how I know I'm starting to change...

PS: Mom, I would like to thank you for the stinky feet. I know that came from your gene pool.

i am home.

MJ died today. This is going to be one of those events, like 911... 'where were you when you found out...' type things. I didn't hate you, Michael. You were famous as a mofo long before I was even a twinkle in my daddy's eye. Maybe that's why I feel like the sky just turned green... I can't wrap my head around it! Why?
Anyway... thanks to Michael I, tonight, have made a very serious decision.
To be happy with what I've got.
It has to be enough. And it is. I just have to keep that in mind.

Cheers, Dahlings! Here's to you, MJ. You gave us way too much of yourself. You will be missed.

skates

When I was younger, a part-time job worker
Department store centre, I saw a man enter
He was middle-aged, deep lines on his face
Tight mouth and eyes glazed
Eyelids just half-raised

And I looked at him, he looked at me
He looked so sad, I had to see
What did he want, what could it be
What had he been through before me seeing him
In the store I worked for that year, that year

Ice skates he asked for, In the middle of summer
He wanted a good pair, the price he did not care
I looked for his size, our best pair he tried
Costom back and sides, excitement in his eyes

I asked are you a pro, he looked sad and said no
These skates are my last hope
Without them i cannot cope

And he said my wife, she drowned this summer
Behind our house, the river took her
I cannot swim, I need to find her
I will wait till it freezes over

And then I will skate, as far as it takes
I will skate as far as it takes, to bring her back home
To bring her back home, to bring her back home
Back home

tick tock..

I'm not quite sure how I feel about being as predictable and unexciting as I am.
I guess I feel okay about it...
I just wish I had something up my sleeve, you know? Something that would make people jealous, and make people wish they were in my shoes. But that never happens with me because one day leads to the next and to the next and nothing really ever changes. The only thing that marks the passing of another day is a couple of anti-depressants down the hatch and another penniless shift at a thankless job that I despise.
I wish I were going to Burning Man.
Or anywhere, anywhere at all.

Sometimes I'm like dude, lindsay, shut the fuck up. why do you always have to feel slighted in some way? why does everything in the entire world have to revolve around you and your stupid inferiority complex?
Well, self, because me is the only thing i know, and if me isn't happy, then what the fuck am i even bothering getting out of bed for?
And then I say to myself get a grip. it's called life. fuck. stay out of chapters and maybe you'll actually have something to show for yourself.
and then i tell myself to fuck off and i eat a pint of haagen dazs. or however you spell it. whatevskies.

Anyway, in the spirit of positivity I have decided to just make the best of it! So I'm not very exciting, so every day is basically like the last, so what if I'm too broke for vacations and too much in debt to go back to school and too flighty to even stay in school if i managed to go back? I've got love, man. I've got love for myself and love for my fellow man. SO MUCH LOVE in fact, that I get confused by anger. I look at an angry person the way a sane person looks at a lunatic. That's good, I'd rather be that than some angry douchebag. Better to be sad, I say, than to be a miserable prick who hates everybody and blames everybody else for their problems. 'Least I've got the good sense to blame myself.
So I'm going to go through this day as I would go through any other day, except today I will go through it with the knowledge that I am the coolest fucking person I know and I don't need any other validation than my own two fucking eyes and I don't caaaaaare if this person is off doing that thing or this person has more friends than me or whatever, because I have no use for that shit anyway and dammit, I've always appreciated a good book and boats give me motion sickness. C'est la vie! I'll get mine, bitches. PEA-SOUT!

a romantic stroll with my second favourite man

last night was great! it was one of those perfect summer nights. Couldn't stay inside.
I was on the couch, reading, and Breakfast was just chillin by the balcony screen door, and I was like yeah we should probably go hang out side... So I put his leash on and we went for a walk.
Now, usually when I take Breakfast out for a walk he refuses to move. Even walks backwards. It's never been productive, he's always hated walks. But last night! Last night he was walking like crazy! We went all over! We walked for over an hour, easy. I'm thrilled because this ups our fun quota by like 40% easily.
Sometimes he would get tired and just enjoy the ride from my arms, but then after a few minutes he would want down again for more exploring. I had to stay on my toes though, because to take my eyes off him for even a second would probably lead to him strangling himself trying to go down a drainpipe someplace...
There was a chihuahua at the park we stopped at that came to check us out, and Breakfast bit him on the nose and the poor little guy scampered off, terrified...
We stopped at mac's and picked up some ice cream and a honey bun, and came back here where breakfast promptly fell asleep and I read some more, with a glass of wine and my sugary treats. Perfect summer night.

On a completely unrelated note, I miss Fran. The last time we actually hung out was when I got hammered with her on the honest lawyer patio and stole 2 of her green throw pillows. That was a really fun time - morning after puke-strewn hallway aside - and I have to hang out with her again soon. It is her birthday on Saturday? I believe? Anyway, I have to be included in whatever awesomeness she has planned... I can't believe we're going to be 23. Sigh.

It's a total scorcher outside today and I think I look pretty cute today, actually. But I have nowhere to go and no money to spend so I am going to wait here all day for mike to get off work, and then I am going to make him his favourite: fettuccine alfredo. Then I will top it off with some mayan chocolate ice cream for dessert. I'll be his favourite person for a lifetime.

am i reading too much into this?

My boss approached me today and asked me if I wanted to bartend at the Molson Amphitheatre on July 4th (Def Leppard concert)
I said yes, but now I'm wondering if I have to find my own way there... cuz if I do I don't want to do it....
What do you think it means that he asked me?
hmm...

snapshot

Listening: Right now No Doubt's greatest hits album is on. Other than that, I've been listening to a couple new bands... Pretty Lights and Ubiquitous Synergy Seeker are excellent.
Watching: Not really watching any TV lately actually.
Reading: In the last little while I've read A Complicated Kindness (it was okay) and Secrets from the Vinyl Cafe (super awesome and hilarious), and now I'm reading Tropic of Cancer, and it's interesting....
Wearing: my favourite black dress by Song. It's going to be way too hot for it today but yesterday I sewed the missing button back on so I have to wear it! I've missed it so much...
Wanting: One of two things: more sleep or a cup of coffee...

gratuitous

Wow... no shit eh?

Lindsay and Serving

I probably never should've decided to work in the public sphere in any capacity.. I posess that deep melancholic vein that probably would've remained undisturbed my whole life had I chosen a less stressful position in life than I have. I should work with things that don't talk. I should surround myself with objects that cannot express thoughts.

Instead, every day when I head off to work I know someone is going to have something to say that is going to upset me.

Sometimes it's my very first table and that'll be it for the day.

I'll spend the whole day psyching myself up, convincing myself that it's going to be a great day, that I'm happy go-lucky and positive and that good things happen to people who believe in good things happening to people who believe.. you know what I'm trying to say. Anyway, I head off to work with a smile on my face, everything is cool, and then I approach my first table.
Let's say it's a Monday, and lets say we're dealing with some guy.
Hey, can I get you a drink to start off with? *stupid unsuspecting grin*
I want the all-you-can-eat wings.
Uhh, I'm sorry but that isn't available until after 4 pm.
The sign out front doesn't say that!
Actually, it does. It says ALL U CAN EAT WINGS @ 4
No. It doesn't.
Okay, sure, it doesn't. Anyway, I'm sorry...
*cuts me off* Well I'm never going to come here again, that's for sure.

And then I shrink a little on the inside.

drop the steinbeck, i repeat: drop. the. steinbeck.

AHHH!
Somebody stop me. I have spent over 200 dollars this month on books. Jee-zuss. Okay, well, I did pick up some real gems though. Tropic of Cancer, East of Eden, The Alchemist, The Canterbury Tales, A Complicated Kindness, the list goes on. I know what you're thinking: why not just borrow from the library? Well, I'll tell you why. I like when people look at my bookshelf, which is why I've resolved to expand it the way I have been. What's the point of reading lots if people don't get to check out your literary prowess and say something like I wish I read more... and then I can say something like Yeah, television will rot your brain, you really should read more.
Buying books feeds my perpetually starved ego.
That's pretty much it really.

I cleaned the shit out of the apartment again. Yuss. Now I am sitting here listening to 15/16 by Ubiquitous Synergy Seeker, this is the best song ever.

...I got nothin'

Happy Pride Weekend, peeps. Rebecca: I'm sorry I didn't come out and paint the town red with you and your lady friend, I just couldn't justify the money I would spend...

i should tape this to my bathroom mirror.

1. You're not fooling anybody. You and I both know that that half a dozen donuts for breakfast is going to go straight to your ass. Do everyone a favor and pick up a spoon and that well-intentioned tub of yogurt in the fridge that you have yet to touch.

2. Your hair is your hair and you're stuck with it. Take a second, mull it over....
okay, now get over it.

3. Would it kill you to get a little exercise? I know you've noticed that back fat. Yeah, I said it.

4. Is there a lot of pay off in letting the garbage sit there, and sit there, and sit there, until Mike is over and he decides the smell is just too much and takes it out himself? Take the garbage out before it gets to this point, please. I know what you're thinking. Just try it.

5. Breakfast may shit 6 times a day, but he doesn't deserve to live amongst it. Clean out his cage, every day. What kind of mother are you hoping to make?

6. You're going to be 23 in a couple of months. Of course making that pouty face and saying Daddy? isn't going to have the same effect it once had....

7. Nobody cares if you like Jazz music or not, so stop pretending.

8. Stop complaining about your job and write up a new resume! There's a novel idea! ...Bonehead.

9. Get some sun, you look like shit.

what if he was your father?

I work with this guy, he's a great, great guy. He's super funny, always happy, and he's a great friend. He is the only person from work that I hang out with outside of work. He doesn't try to make moves on me or anything, we call each other at 530 in the morning when we're hammered. He's a real gem.
Yesterday at work this middle aged man carrying half a 26er of Absolut tries to stumble his way into the Lawyer... he bumps into something and down he goes. He hits his head on this metal partition thing on the patio and he can't get up. His bottle of vodka smashed and spilled everywhere, and he's laying in the glass. He's a real fucking mess. Out of nowhere the cops arrive and dig their knees into his back, cuff him, and the man is cursing up a storm. By the way, it's totally 3:00 in the afternoon. He has succeeded in making an "Absolut" spectacle of himself (I couldn't resist that one).
My afore-mentioned friend comes running out of the restaurant and over to the cruiser window where he has some words with this drunken mess of a man. He turns around and he has tears in his eyes as he tries to reason with the police to just let him take his dad home.
His dad.
Everyone at work saw this guy fall in the glass, curse the cops out, resist arrest and just act like an all-around train wreck. And my poor friend had to face all of us. Some of the people at work were actually laughing at this man before they found out who he was. And after we learned, we were all sad for our co-worker. The guy who is always happy, always wants to hang out, loves playing guitar, has nothing bad to say about anybody, always makes everybody laugh... Everybody loves him. He's an amazing person.
And that's where he came from.

There's this plant that grows in Africa. If you care for the plant, water it and whatnot, it will surely die. If you leave it alone, and let it fend for itself, it grows into a beautiful flowery purple bushel.

Some of us flourish from neglect.

elementary philosophy

I was probably about 7 or 8 years old and I was going to a Catholic school and just beginning to understand that I exist, and will continue to exist, until I no longer existed. And in school they taught us that we would go to either heaven or hell at that point, and once we were there we would stay forever and ever and ever and ever. Now at this age I was also thinking a lot about sex, and what sinning was, and who sinners were, and who could get away with what, and why. So I knew that people liked to have sex, and I figured they probably wouldn't be doing that in heaven because Catholics don't think it's okay to have sex for any reason other than to make babies. And people who didn't know any better - like the mentally handicapped and stuff - what happens to them? Do they go to hell when they do things that they can't help? Because they can't understand what these people are always going on about? Revelations and whatnot? And once you got to heaven what age would you be? Like do you get to pick? Does God pick for you? Does he make you unrecognizable and if he does, how will your family and friends meet up with you there? I asked my teacher that question and she said we just don't know, all we know is that God will make sure we get to our loved ones in heaven and that wasn't really much of an answer at all, now was it? Especially when they claimed to know so much about so many things concerning what was right or wrong. And they always said things like It is not for us to judge but that's really all they ever did, all the time, wasn't it?
I was in a great mood one day and I came to school and we were in gym class and we were doing jumping jacks while "I Saw The Sign" was blaring from a little ghetto blaster in the corner of the gym, and I thought it would be a great idea to dance instead of doing jumping jacks but my gym teacher didn't think that was a good idea and said disobeying your teachers is a sin, and dancing is a sin, now do your jumping jacks and I thought okay, so moving parts of your body in time to music is a sin but threatening small children with eternal damnation was a-okay.
I was laying on my bed staring at the ceiling and my mom was singing "Constant Craving" by KD Lang and I was thinking about death, and life. Right now I am alive. And when I die I am really dead. There is no eternal anything in any place, just curtain closes and darkness and that's okay, i thought. This was to be the premise of my new religion, and that's what makes life so fucking great. It's all you have.
I want that feeling back again. I want to remember the exact feeling i felt first time I realized that one day I would be dust, and then less than dust, and then nothing. There is no place to be except for here. This life is good enough because it has to be. (jesus was wrong)

mo' money, less problems..

I'm going to have to cancel my internet...
I think about Adam and how he upgraded my internet to this fucking expensive package, never paid a dime on it ever, and now I'm stuck with it, and I just want to stomp on his little bald head until it explodes.
I would cancel my cable too, if Mike didn't rely on it the way some people rely on iron lungs.
For obvious reasons, I will not be canceling my phone.
This should lower my expenses by a whopping 50 dollars a month. And when I want to use the internet I can just go to Pams, because I'm there all the time anyway. Or even work. We have wireless at work.
Anyway it just doesn't make a whole lot of sense to be paying what I am paying for internet when I use it maybe a total of 40 minutes a day, tops.
I think I've made a very mature decision here! In the past, I would have normally kept it all and just not paid my bills, and then everything would just be cut off at some point and that'd be it. But my credit is bad enough. And I want to fix that someday because nobody is ever going to want to marry me with my credit the way it is.
I don't even know if I want to get married anyway, I'm just saying.
They hired a new bartender at work yesterday. They will never give me the chance. So I barged into the office yesterday, in tears, and told my boss off and called him a liar. He just gave me a weird look and said we know you want to be a bartender because you harp on about it every day. you'll get your turn if you work hard and be patient but you know what I think? Fuck that. I need to find something else to do with my life. Bars have been ruining my life for years anyway. Although I'm much happier doing this than walking those disgusting mongrels any day of the week.... anyway, yeah. Gotta find something else to do. Gonna have to lie on my resume. Who's it hurting?
Also need to stop drinking so much. I've spent a shameful amount of money on alcohol in the last week. :o!! That is deplorable. Maybe this is why I can't pay my goddamn bills.
My dosage of antidepressants has been doubled. That's something.
I haven't painted since, I'd say, November. This has got to change. I miss painting. I can't afford it though with this stupid internet package and my stupid alcohol problem... just kidding.
I hope Mike gets off work early today because of the weather, I will offer to buy us sundaes at stoney creek dairy. I think we both deserve it.

the same level.

I found out the other day that a girl at work doesn't like me, and went to a party with a bunch of other people from work, and talked on and on about how i crazy i am, and told a bunch of stories from the perspective of my super-christian ex-boyfriend. This infuriates me. I can't do a whole lot about this, but I am pissed off. I want to clear my name, dammit! I am not crazy! I was 19 years old when i started dating that guy, and she's biased, and I'm not that person anymore! Not that I was ever crazy to begin with...
Fuck that girl.

Amy Giofu has yellow teeth and a stupid haircut.
Take off that oversized red wings jersey you fucking retard.

bartender please fill my glass for me?

It's amazing when you live in such a strange place for such a long time the things that fail to make you raise a brow the way they may have once upon a time...
Today on my way to work I saw a clown on a power chair (or hoveround, motorized wheelchair, scooter, fat person chair, whatever you want to call them) and he was just bootin' down the street. And I actually had to stop myself and say "self, you just saw a clown on a power chair at 11am. You need to file this away somewhere and mention it sometime today just to prove to yourself that you still appreciate oddities such as this". And that is what I have done. But I really didn't find it that strange. Even though it is most certainly strange to be bootin' around on a fat person chair dressed up in clown garb....
Work wasn't very much fun today. I woke up and I looked like Sloth from the Goonies. My left eye was swollen and tiny and I looked hideous and had to go to work anyway. So I plastered on the black eyeshadow and wore sunglasses all day. I have a big ugly sty. An eye pimple. It's ripe and sore and itchy.
Today was not a lot of fun.
To top everything off, I am out of anti-depressants and I forgot to bring home my leftover Chicken Caesar Flatbread from work. That cost me like ten bucks, too...
sigh.

But If We Started Dating It Would Ruin Our Friendship Where I Ask You To Do Things And You Do Them

I really like you. I do. You're so nice, and sweet, and you listen to all my problems and respond with the appropriate compliments. But, well, I don't really see a relationship in our future. It would be terrible if we let sex destroy this great friendship we have where I get everything I want and you get nothing you want. Don't you think?

I knew you would understand. You always do.

We're so perfect as friends, you know? I can tell you anything, and you know you can always come to me anytime you need to hear me bitch about work or how ugly I feel. You wouldn't want to ruin a friendship like that just so you could be my boyfriend, and have me look at you with desire and longing in my eyes, if only once—would you? Of course not. Well, if we started dating, it would only complicate this wonderful setup I've got going here.

It's just…you're like my best friend, and I would hate for something you desperately want to change that. I mean, sure, we could go on some dates, maybe mess around a little and finally validate the six years you've spent languishing in this platonic nightmare, but then what? How could we ever go back to the way we were, where I take advantage of your clear attraction to me so I can have someone at my beck and call? That part of our friendship means so much to me.

No. We are just destined to be really, really good friends who only hang out when I don't have a boyfriend, but still need male attention to boost my fragile and all-consuming ego.

Anything can happen once you bring romance in. Think about how awful my last relationship was at the end, remember? The guy I'd call you crying about at 3 a.m. because he wouldn't answer my texts? The guy I met at the birthday party you threw me? I had insanely passionate sex with him for four months and now we don't even talk anymore. God, I would die if something like that happened to us.

Plus, ick, can you even imagine getting naked in front of each other? I've known you so long, you're more like a brother that I've drunkenly made out with twice and never mentioned again. It'd be way too weird. And if we did, then whenever you'd come shopping with me, or go to one of my performances or charity events, or take me for ice cream when I've had a bad day at work, you'd be looking at me like, "I've seen her breasts." God, I can't think of anything more awkward that that.

Oh, before I forget, my mom says hi.

Anyway, you would totally hate me as your girlfriend. I'd be all needy and dramatic and slowly growing to love you. If I was your girlfriend, I would never be able to tell you all about the other asshole guys I date and pretend I don't see how much it crushes you. Let's never lose that. That's what makes us us.

Don't worry. You're so funny and smart and amazing, any girl but me would be lucky to date you. You'll find someone, I know it. And when you do, I'll be right by your side to suddenly become all flirty and affectionate with you in front of her, until she grows jealous and won't believe it when you say we're just friends. But when she dumps you, that's just what we'll be.

Best friends. Friends forever

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
(via)

YES!!!!

Cream this, bitch

The lady across the hall hates my guts.

I think she always did for the most part, but now I think she is plotting to kill me.
This lady never smiles, lives alone, never has company, and busies herself with everybody else's business; and i'm the unlucky broad across the hall. She can see me from her peephole, for pete's sake.

Behind our building is the dumpster. We have no shoot. To take the garbage out we have to go outside and around to the back of the building. Needless to say, by the time I finally take the trash out, I'm taking it out in a heaping stinky pile. Right in front of the door (much closer than the dumpster!) is a big trash can that is supposed to be used by the older tenants who, what?, can't walk another 15 feet to the trash? I guess not. Anyway, yesterday I was lazy and on my way to the dollarama so I just threw the garbage into that can and scurried away.

I get home later and whaddayaknow! Someone has left a note on my door:

You don't look like a senior citizen, you must tell me what cream you use.
Why don't you start using the dumpster like you're supposed to?

Umm. Fuck. Someone saw me. I wonder who that could be? Could it possibly be the person who is standing at their door watching me read this, who is obviously holding their phone, which rings as if it is right beside me?
That stupid old bat.
Anyway, I wrote a note and stuck it to my door that said Get a life.
I saw her in the elevator last night and usually she at least says hello. But instead she just looked at me as if staring really really hard activated the deadly lasers in her eyes...

I don't want to die! I want to see a gorilla up close, i want to visit Angel Falls. I want have children and say goodbye to all my loved ones!

my eyes are bleeding.

Sometimes all I want in the world is a day off.
And then I get one and I'm like fuck this is really fucking boring!
And then I go to work and sit in a booth eating a brownie sundae for an hour.
Ridiculous.

Anyway, that has been my day so far. I picked up a beach mat for the kitchen floor today and Breakfast won't stop dragging it around and ripping it up. So I am resisting every urge to pick him up and fling him into a wall, or off the balcony, or to drown him in the bathtub...

I have nothing of merit to say.

fact:

slaughterhouse-five is the most amazingly written, witty, pathetic and all-around magical book i have ever read.

if you haven't read it, you need to.

i've said it once and i'll say it again, kurt vonnegut is a fucking genius.

T

I can't get enough sleep.
Yesterday was pretty rough. At work. And after work kind of sucked too because I hung out with Aidan, my at-work husband, so to speak, and I fell asleep and he heard me snoring and has proceeded to ruin my life. Not really, but.. yeah kinda. Sawing lawgs. LAWLS. Whatever.
I'm worried about my "little sister". I wish I could tell her I know about her blog, and I read it all the time, and so I know all of her secrets. But I can't because it is the only way I can still keep tabs on her from a distance. She doesn't tell me shit. She should - I've been in every one of those positions once in my life. She knows all of my secrets. I don't get to know hers.
Anyway, T: If you ever find my blog and start to read it and come across this post, there are a few things I would like to share with you from my experiences.

1. You will be attracted to lots of inappropriate guys. I know I have been. And I've ended up screwing a couple of them because I was curious and they called me pretty. But let me tell you something: I regretted it every single time and every single time things were never the same with that person. It would have been so nice to have just wanted each other but never had each other. All romance is unfinished business.
2. Shrooms aren't cool. They make you shit yourself. Trust.
3. You prom date was gay. You may not know it, he certainly doesn't know it yet, but he is. As gay as they come. I hope you didn't fuck that guy.
4. Trashy girls let men give them hickeys. Only trashy girls.
5. There is a way to dress for your body shape. You feel like you're a little heavy. Okay. What makes you think wearing oversized sweaters every day is making you look better? Let me take you shopping some time. I can help you.
6. Our parents love you. And you're not fooling them. Show them who you really are and they will still love you.
7. Stop stealing my shit when you come over. That's why I've been blowing you off the last few weeks. Do you know how frustrating it is to not have your tweezers around when you decide you need to tweeze your eyebrows? I bet you don't!!
8. I'm your friend, too. And I would never call you a slut. Those girls aren't your friends at all. Don't be so silly.

oxymoron

fettucine alfredo:

At once the most delicious and disgusting thing one can comsume.

It's perplexing.

another lindsay playlist

This playlist goes great with Merlot.

- Homme - Brazilian Girls
- Long Road - Funki Porcini
- Bad Girl - Devendra Banhart
- Sunday Morning - The Velvet Underground
- Sugar on my Tongue - The Talking Heads
- I Felt Your shape - The Microphones
- How it Ends - Devotchka
- Bitter Heart - Zee Avi
- After The Curtain - Beirut
- White Winter Hymnal - Fleet Foxes
- Reading in Bed - Emily Haines
- Boneless - The Notwist
- Transatlanticism - Deathcab for Cutie
- Try a Little Tenderness - Joss Stone
- Just Stay In - Annuals
- Beauty - The Shivers
- Here Before - Vashti Bunyan

the day the moon ate the sun

When I was 7 years old there was a solar eclipse.

I didn't know exactly what that was, or what it meant, but I was incredibly curious. Mom said the sun disappeared behind the moon and it was like the day became the night for just a little while. This blew my effing mind.
I had to go to school but I begged her to let me stay home and watch the eclipse. She said you can't watch the eclipse because you'll go blind. Again, my mind was blown.

I remember sitting in my seat, at my desk, in Mr. Bandura's purple classroom and we were learning how to tell time. All the curtains in the room were closed. I guess they were trying to keep us kids from going blind. I sat there all day wondering what was happening behind the curtains. I was thinking it's happening, out there, right now, maybe not right now but soon, or maybe it just happened, i don't know, why can't I just take a peek? And I had decided that if the teacher left the room at all I would go look. But he never did and then after lunch some time the curtains were up again because it was over. The eclipse was finished.
Maybe that eclipse was the reason I didn't learn how to tell time until I was 10.

It was later in my life that I learned that a solar eclipse happens once, maybe twice in someone's lifetime.
I would like a second one..

the key ingredients for a perfect friday.

1. Get off work two and a half hours early.
2. Stop by the little hippie store and pick up some Nag Champa incense.
3. Swing by liquor store for a nice cold bottle of wine.
4. Stop at the james street book cellar looking for Slaughterhouse Five (Vonnegut) and be pleasantly surprised that they have a copy. Buy it.
5. Come home to a clean apartment, with chocolate on the counter that you totally forgot was there.
6. Slip into the world's most adorable green dress.
7. Crack open the wine and the book.

snapshot

Listening: I have been visiting music from my past. Lots of Saves the Day, old school Nada Surf, Blink 182, Ozma (excellent group), Weezer, happy stuff. Stuff that brings me back to 2001. That was such a good year.
Watching: If you haven't watched 'hitched or ditched' yet, you should. It is the greatest.
Reading: The Time Travellers Wife was an amazing read. I just finished My Sister's Keeper, and it wasn't that great. Jodi Picoult should write children's books if you ask me. But it was alright. Now I'm on to The Flying Troutmans, which seems promising so far. I have to pick up Slaughterhouse Five today, because that is next on the summer reading list.
Wearing: Dirty clothes to work.
Wanting: To elope.

Pamela Redmond Satran

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ….
enough money within her control to move out
and rent a place of her own even if she never wants
to or needs to…
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ….
something perfect to wear if the employer or date of her
dreams wants to see her in an hour…
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE …
a youth she’s content to leave behind….
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ….
a past juicy enough that she’s looking forward to
retelling it in her old age….
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE …..
a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black
lace bra…
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ….
one friend who always makes her laugh… and one who
lets her cry…
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ….
a good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone
else in her family…
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ….
eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems, and a
recipe for a meal that will make her guests feel honored…
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ….
a feeling of control over her destiny…
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
how to fall in love without losing herself..
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
HOW TO QUIT A JOB,
BREAK UP WITH A LOVER,
AND CONFRONT A FRIEND WITHOUT RUINING THE FRIENDSHIP…
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
when to try harder… and WHEN TO WALK AWAY…
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
that she can’t change the length of her calves,
the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents..
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
that her childhood may not have been perfect…but it’s over…
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
what she would and wouldn’t do for love or more…
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
how to live alone… even if she doesn’t like it…
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
whom she can trust,
whom she can’t,
and why she shouldn’t
take it personally…
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
where to go…
be it to her best friend’s kitchen table…
or a charming inn in the woods…
when her soul needs soothing…
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
what she can and can’t accomplish in a day…
a month…and a year…

ambitions..

Today at work was brutal. BROO-TULL!
I wasn't supposed to work last night (also brutal) or today, but I agreed to because they said they were desperate. Fair enough, I also need the money so I go. Today, oh today... this particular Tuesday afternoon was especially terrible because I had to serve the owner of the company. She's a mean pregnant biyatch (but a nice enough lady nonetheless). Anyway, she orders a salad, I bring her the salad, she eats the salad, I come back to take the empty plates away. She says "is that Quesadilla coming soon?" And I'm like :o (that's a face, btw). She never ordered a quesadilla from me. She just didn't. She may have thought that she did, but she didn't. Of course, I can't argue with her about it so I apologize sincerely for "forgetting". She doesn't even look at me, she just gives me the coldest shoulder... ugh. So even though I did nothing wrong, I was the the asshole douchebag who forgot to place the order for my boss's boss's quesadilla. Hallelujah!!!
I hate serving, I hate serving.
I have to figure out what I am really meant to do with my life because I can't do this much longer. I am turning 23 in August! My serving days should be over by now! THIS IS NOT WHAT I WAS MEANT FOR! I AM MEANT FOR GREATER THINGS! I QUOTE CHAUCER AND WILDE AND I AM GREAT WITH A PAINTBRUSH! THIS CAN'T BE MY LIFE!!!!

But right now, it is.

So if anyone can tell me what it is I should go back to school for, please tell me. I don't know myself well enough to really figure it out....

sigh.

headstarts

i woke up this morning in the worst mood ever. I tried listening to some classical music, thinking it would brighten my day. That didn't work so I tried some Blink 182.
I haven't listened to blink 182 since I was 13. But let me tell you - nothing has ever put me in a good mood faster than dancing around to Enema of the State.
Thanks, blink.

mondays.

I don't have 2 dimes to rub together.

I don't even want to answer my phone and explain this to anybody. i just want to keep the ringer turned off, in order to avoid the bill collectors and expectant friends...
'Cuz I have no money whatsoever.
I'm not going to sit here and complain about it for an entire post, I'm just kinda lettin' everyone know. I am a broke mother fucker.

What do people who are broke usually do with their time? Well, in my case, a lot of reading (I finished my novel and now I'm a little upset because I have nothing else to read). They watch Canada's Worst Handyman. They persist in trying to litter train their ferret. They try to wrap their legs around their head (pretty close), they invent interesting dishes (like peanut butter and banana hot dogs). They make lists of the things they will do when they do have money once again (visit Deja Vu, go to Fran's to watch all the Rocky Movies, get pished with Rob, go to Value Village, etc). And they clean their apartments. Super-clean!

That's what I did yesterday. I super-cleaned. Allow me to paint a picture for you. When I am getting dressed, I often try on a number of items prior to committing to one outfit. The rejected items are strewn about everywhere. Breakfast often drags some of these items into his little caves under the dressers, never to be seen again. Freshly washed laundry gets stuffed into drawers and cupboards where they proceed to wrinkle to shit and never get worn again until I re-wash them. Sometimes, dirty stuff makes it back into the dressers. I don't know how. The bathroom. I never did get around to putting a trash can in there. So empty toilet paper rolls and tampon dispensers just gather together and sit. For ever. The toilet started growing things. I hate cleaning the toilet. The sink was alright but covered in soap scum. There was ferret shit in the corner. It was disgusting. So disgusting I am truly ashamed to say that I pee there several times a day. It is where my toothbrush lives. *shudder*
The livingroom is where the ferret lives, so it smells, and it is also where filthy dishes congregate and grow things amongst themselves. The kitchen is full of ferret food, ferret poop, and dirty dishes and smelly green bins and the garbage and recycling I refuse to take out.
I have never really admitted to anybody how much of a pig I secretly am. But there it is.
Anyway, I got Mike to pick me up some pine sol and windex and yesterday I went clean-crazy for 3 and a half hours.
So what do broke people do today? This one just looks around all day long, impressed with her handy work.