snapshot

Listening: The Microphones, Seabear, Born Ruffians, Meiko, Talking Heads, The Stranglers, Jason Mraz, John Fogerty
Watching: Little Britain. I'm really missing Amazing Race and Greys Anatomy now that they're over. Saw Star Trek recently (just like everyone else) and it rocked my fucking world. x.
Reading: I just started The Time Traveler's Wife (26 pages in) and so far I'm sure it's going to be a fabulous read. I can't wait to get back to it. As soon as I have a minute. Hopefully soon. I finished World Without End, and it was a wonderful sequel to Pillars of the Earth. I would recommend it.
Wearing: Lots of dresses from Metro. Really into scarves and bandanas right now. I loooove my pochahontas sandals by Fuel. My current style icon is Laura Jane @ nogoodforme.com.
Wanting: Vacation and dinner. Moreso dinner.

jesus don't pay my rent

NEWSFLASH:

It is absolutely UNACCEPTABLE to tip me nothing. UNACCEPTABLE! My service is IMPECCABLE! YOU LOVED ME! Your bill was two hundred fucking dollars plus! YOU CAN'T TIP ME NOTHING! You sons of bitches, how the fuck do you sleep at night? It's people like YOU that make rent time so difficult for me. Fucking scum bags.

so much for a relaxing getaway

Mike and I were both pretty stressed out and angry last week. I had to work a lot and he didn't want to pay ridiculous amounts in interest for his new vehicle after the truck caught on fire a few weeks ago... at any rate we weren't happy. The best option that we had was to go to the trailer for the weekend! I've never exactly been the biggest fan of the trailer in the past because everything is just like at home only miniature. I just don't see the appeal. There are spiders everywhere and you get covered in mosquito bites and it is impossible to have a decent shower, I swear to Christ...
but I digress. To the trailer we go! We just can't wait to be away from our infuriating lives for a couple of days. We brought our ferret along for the trip, his cage collapsed in the trunk and him curled up in my lap for the car ride. First stop timmies! We're happy. We're singing along to Rod Stewart songs in the car and looking at each other with love in our eyes. It was great. When we get to the trailer it's 11 at night and everyone is asleep. We grab a drink and lay in the grass, looking at the stars and talking. No mosquitoes. So far I'm impressed!
We go to bed. That part was equally impressive.
We wake up in the morning at the crack of dawn, and I remember having this awful awful nightmare, so this neggs me out just a little bit. I dreamt that Mike was going to beat the shit out of me for spilling his glass of milk. I have a difficult time distinguishing between dream Mike and real Mike, so of course this anger gets transferred to him.
him: "what's a matter?"
me: "nothing..." *glare*
Anyway it doesn't take me long to get over the dream. It was right after my bowl of fruity cheerios that I realize I completely forgot to bring my anti-depressants. This, my friends, is what I like to call the beginning of the end.
All of Saturday I felt a little out of sorts. It was like I was the same person inside, but the outside world became uglier and crueler (this is my experience with depression, anyway) and so I withdraw a little. I was sitting outside with my feet up on the table reading my book, and Mike could see I was bothered so he told me to get up and come hug him. I tried getting up and in the process my foot swung across the table and knocked over a wine glass and all hell broke loose. I started crying like an idiot and mike got frustrated and stormed off, which of course made me react even worse. He left (after I demanded to be left alone) to hang out with the neighbours, Bring and Jeanette. They are his best friend's parents. So I sat alone for a while, did some dishes and calmed down. Then I went over, too. I cheered up pretty quickly. Later in the evening I withdrew once more, but overcame that eventually as well. I had more nightmares when i went to sleep.
The next day I just wasn't myself. This was Sunday. I couldn't wait to go home. When we finally got in the car I didn't say a word to Mike until we got back to my place, where I doubled my dosage and ordered a pizza.

faults

Guess what? I have flaws. What are they? Oh I donno, I sing in the shower? Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I’ll hit somebody with my car. So sue me— no, don’t sue me. That is opposite the point I’m trying to make. - Michael Scott (The Office)

Today when I was at the hairdresser's I said the F word... she asked if I liked the colour and I said "fuck yeah!". I do this all the time. I don't even mean to have this filthy mouth, I just have it, and I have a really hard time thinking before I speak. Fuck yeah. That got me thinking about my flaws. So here we go, out with 'em:

- I've been biting my nails for as long as I can remember. Quite literally. I have given up on stopping, but for years I really put in some solid effort. I got acrylics all the time (but I couldn't justify the money I was wasting on them, and they broke, which hurt, and they look like shit after like 3 days!). Now I just consider it a winning day if I manage to just not bite them in public.

- I can't go into any store (ANY STORE IN THE WORLD!) with a substantial amount of money because I will spend almost all of it. So I don't carry my debit card on me, or any cash, unless I have a necessary purchase to make. Most of the time, when I come home after a money-wasting excursion, I wonder what the hell is wrong with me and why I wasted hundreds of dollars on all that crap, and never look at it again. Oh, I also never return the crap. I don't ever return things. I've purchased a lot of clothes that have ended up not fitting, but I just never return them or exchange them. The way I see it, doing that would be much easier if I drove. But I don't, so in the closet they stay. Forever. Oh, I'm also terrible when it comes to keeping the closet clean and organized.

- I don't go grocery shopping often (a fault in and of itself), but when I do, I eat almost everything I buy the day that I buy it. I have this unreasonable paranoia about food going bad. So I stuff it all down my face before it ever gets the chance. Whatever I don't eat immediately stays in the freezer indefinitely. It's crazy behaviour.

- I have a steady collection of half-drank glasses of water beside my bed, perpetually.

- I have absolutely no follow-through. This is true when it comes to saving money, pursuits in education, jobs, promises I make to friends, everything. I cannot be counted on to finish any task I start. I have, like, 8 canvases with half-completed paintings on them stacked beside my couch as we speak, for instance.

- I lie about being good at trivial things in order to impress people I have no business wanting to impress. Like, a lot of people think I'm good at scrabble because I have always said that I am. In reality, I am a really shitty scrabble player.

- I drink until I black out and break something. Most notably being my FACE. I still have a scar on my cheek...

- I crack my knuckles.

I succumb to virtually every temptation I face. If I have a craving for a caramel sundae, for example, me and mike will invariably be out hunting for caramel sundaes in no time. We got Breakfast because we were at a pet store and I fell in love with him. There was no sleeping on it. I cut off 2 feet of hair and got a pixie cut 4 hours after the idea first came to me.

I wish everyone wrote out lists of their flaws. I feel better after writing mine and I would most certainly feel great after reading someone else's!

hair died.

Oooookay so it's not the greatest picture of my face ever taken
But that is what my 'do is looking like now, thanks to the lovely Isabelle at Hair etc. She always does a pretty fabulous job. I don't know how she got those pieces so light. I rather like it. Can't wait for the brown to fade a bit though...

one night stands

Running into someone you once slept with is always ridiculously awkward because both of you know it only happened once and one of you (at least) is wondering why.

I writes good

I wish that my mac could alert me when I am making other writing errors besides spelling. Like when I write sentences that make no sense. Ending sentences with a proposition. Sticking the word I instead of WAS in places (that is the worst).
I am trying to correct all of these stupid typos in my blog right now.

grown-up-isms

Being an adult is hard. I remember hearing it growing up, time and again, and being like pffffft, try being twelve, BIYATCH! But really, now I have come to realize, being an adult is hard.
My first job was at Tim Hortons when I was 16 years old. After 6 hours at school I would go to work from 4pm til 11pm. Worked my ass off at that stupid place for peanuts. My paycheck would come every 2 weeks and I felt entitled to blow ALL of it on whatever suited my fancy because I WORKED HARD FOR IT! My parents would raise hell because I should've been saving for college or my trip to Europe, but I couldn't justify not spending my money on things that made me happy instantly, like cowboy boots from Aldo. Eventually, I did save enough money for Europe, but not for university. And I dropped out of university. Not Europe though. Maybe had I sucked it up and saved for my education I would've felt obligated to stay and better myself intellectually. As it stands, though, I am a waittress and a dropout. Lesson learned.
Now look at me! I've made about 400 dollars in tips in the last week (that's not great, by the way). All the bills are a little late. So I got up early today to pay them online. I owe the cable company 300 dollars, so I payed them 200 today. I owe 1300 for this laptop, I put 100 on it. I owe hydro 82, I put 75 on it. I have about 25 dollars to myself. What the fuck am I going to do with that? Buy a fucking pizza?
Life, man. It's fucking hard.

just a note about exhaustion

I don't think I have ever been more worn out in my life. How could anybody work this much and not fall down dead?

My exhaustion has taught me one thing: Maxwell House is a disgusting coffee. Folgers is really the only way to go. Nabob wins an honourable mention.

don't you want me baby?

I have this ridiculous need to feel desired. By everyone and anyone. I get off on it to no end. Don't get me wrong - I love my boyfriend and I value my relationship above all things - But I feel high when I know somebody wants me. And I will stop at nothing to keep that feeling.

For instance, the other night at work the bartender, Allie, came up to me and told me that her friend was really into me and wanted to know if I had a boyfriend. I just avoided the question and went on doing my job, being sure to pass him over and over again so that I could catch him staring at my in my peripheral vision. If it had just gone on like that all night I would have been elated! But alas - he had to approach me (and this is where my system is fatally flawed). He tells me he's been noticing me and that he finds me simply adorable, and so on. I start to redden and dread having to fess up. He asks for my phone number and I have to tell him (he's a nice guy) that I am in a relationship. He looks at me cock-eyed like "why didn't you tell Allie that when she asked you instead of prancing past me with a stupid grin on your face every 3 minutes" but he says nothing and walks away.

Last night (also at work) this black guy with a thick accent that black guys sometimes have (it's not Jamaican, I don't know what it is...) bumps into me on his way out of the washroom. And he thinks this is a great time to strike up conversation. He asks if I like to smoke trees, I say "sometimes". He asks where I live, I say "around". He says "make sure you leave me your number before I leave". Back in the kitchen I tell Alex all about the black guy who wants my number. Alex has an ingenius plan. He write his phone number on a piece of paper and writes "I don't have any cell phone minutes so just text me" and I give the number to the guy, Nigel was his name. He was dressed like Eddie Murphy in Delerius. So in the end I succeeded in feeling wanted, but in the end the joke will be on this poor guy when we all stand around Alex's cell phone laughing our asses off at these text messages. I'm hoping he will have some to show me tonight, actually.

What is wrong with me? What should I do? I guess it's just a matter of being really insecure, which I can't deny being. I have decided, at any rate, that I am going to be highly conscious of this attitude of mine and deny myself the satisfaction of feeling wanted by strangers. I view it as a weakness and I am always left ashamed of myself. So I am going to let this one man wanting me be enough, and to hell with the rest of them. I am just going to have to be honest.

Fuck my life.
Today was the first shift of 7 in a row. UGH.

pizza.

Okay.  My finances are in RUIN right now.  I don't work enough and no one will hire me.  This has made me decide to move to Burlington at the end of July.  With Mikey!  If my cable and internet and phone get cut off, I am sorry, Blog.

This pizza had better be really fucking tasty.  That is all.

PS, after I eat this pizza, I hereby officially commence the "not spending any money on anything that isn't 100% necessary" life.

Well here we are.  It's Thursday morning (my last day off...) and I just woke up.  It's 11:39.  I probably woke up 15 minutes ago, actually.  I went to bed last night at 10:30.  That is a ridiculously long sleep, and there's no excuse for it.  AND I could've slept longer, EASILY!  Not cool, Linds...

At any rate, it's a good morning.  The place is not a total pigsty (although I most definitely need to consider taking the garbage and recycling out... I am so bad at this), Breakfast has yet to shit on my kitchen floor, and my flu symptoms (*AHEM* HANGOVER SYMPTOMS) have subsided for the most part.  I am still very groggy and a little bit bitchy though.  I vaguely remember being shitfaced at work and asking my boss to consider me for a bartending position.  I think she humoured me and then walked away calling me a dirty alcoholic or something.  Not totally inaccurate.  Either way, I'm not getting that bartending position.  And I should, because I have 5 years bartending experience and I was hired under the pretense that I would pouring the drinks in no time at all.  Not that I'm complaining about where I am now...  Yeah I am...

I lost my sunglasses.

Also, when I was hammered, I stole 2 green throw pillows from Fran's place.  I am overrun with throw pillows.  I have so many.  Now these new additions are sitting in a pile under my coffee table, awaiting some sort of seating emergency, or a second couch.  I think they are from Ikea.  It's the colour that I fell in love with.  I may have stolen them if I were sober, as a matter of fact...

Where are my sunglasses?

Apparently I believe in blogging on a daily basis, even if I have absolutely nothing to write about!  

there are a couple things I am very much into at the moment.  I am very into "Heart of Glass" by Nouvelle Vague.  I am always pretty into Nouvelle Vague, but this song especially for some reason.  ooo-ooo...ahh-ahh

Very much into Oprah these days.  I love how my mac knows who Oprah is and doesn't underline her name in red.

I am loving the chocolate pudding as well.  Yesterday I ate 8 cups of chocolate pudding.  And proceeded to throw most of it up.

Today I intend to read much more of "world without end" and take my Breakfast for a walk.  I have absolutely no money, so I should steer clear of doing much else.

Oh, also very much into this Lights girl.  She sings that 'drive my soul' song that was super popular not long ago.  I'm just catching on now.  What is it about this girl?

shoot me, end my misery, oh god please make make this feeling stop!!

Hangovers.

I have never felt like this before.  This is a bad one.  There is puke all down my hallway.  Everything smells bad.  I have been getting up and dashing to the washroom to throw up every 15 minutes or so.  It's starting to subside slightly, as I sit here sipping ginger tea and wishing that my day off hadn't turned into a write-off of a recovery day.  I should never have drank last night.  Look at how beautiful it is outside!  And here I am, crouched over my laptop in the dark like a little troll.  I need to shower.

fuck the self pity.

So I woke up this morning and I was pretty tempted to slip into self-pity mode once more.  I need a haircut and I can't afford one.  I remembered last summer when I would go grocery shopping all the time, and carry my groceries home, and how I haven't been able to afford that in moooooonths.  But fuck it.  I quickly realized that I have been doing, and will continue to do, everything I can in order to better my situation financially.  So I won't be going to burning man in all likelihood, fine.  I will just have to go on a different vacation when it's feasible for me.  I still plan on going to Eastern Europe next summer.  

All of the things I ought to be grateful for flooded my mind (and it's about time, really).  I have a job, and I have been making end's meet.  A lot of people don't, and aren't.  It's a sign of the times, I guess.  My heart is safe with a man that I love.  We are going to get married and make babies, when the time is right.  My family is safe and close by.  I am healthier than I have ever been since I quit smoking.  

So I have to stop this self-depricating nonsense.  So today I will just have to make a new resume, geared towards something other than bartending (since I am having no luck with that avenue).  I will clean the apartment a little.  I will read this awesome book (World Without End, by Ken Follett, God he's a great writer).

Okay, cool, I just wrote myself into a better mood.  Sweet.

I have this mat in the kitchen )people have those, thought I'd grab one too) and Breakfast continually drags it into the livingroom area.  the kitchen mat just doesn't stay where it should, and I'm always putting it back, just to see it in the livingroom 5 minutes later.  Repeat process.  It never ends.

I fucking love that little Breakfast guy.

help....

I am having a really hard time fighting off this feeling.

I feel very negative and hopeless.  I have no money at all, I don't even earn remotely enough money.  I will not be going to burning man this year, no way in hell.  They are not making me bartender at work.  Probably ever.  I'm pretty bitter about this and this is only going to make going to work an absolutely dreadful experience for me.  But I have to go because I have to keep earning my minor ducats at my shitabulous fucking waitressing job.  Fuck my life.

I have my brand new macbook to pay for... I owe cogeco over 300 dollars (fucking scumbags..) and I somehow have to manage to eat and have a life amidst all of this as well.  Did I mention I probably only make 200 dollars a week?

It's not even as if I haven't been searching for a job.  Nobody could accuse me of being lazy on this front.  I have been very proactive about it, and up until this point, very optimistic.  But every bar in this disgusting city probably has 18 copies of my resume and they just don't call.  They just don't.  What can I do?  What more can I possibly do?

Keep going to this job that I can't stand.  Keep struggling.  This struggle has been going on for years.  YEARS.  Why can't I manage to find a way out of it?  Why?

Mike and I are moving to Burlington this summer.  I need to get out of this city.  I cannot wait to go, I really can't.  I don't know how I'm going to survive until then.  I don't know how I'm even going to save any money for it.  I have no money to save.  Absolutely no money to save.  I don't know if I have ever been so raging mad, or stressed out.  I'm just really having a difficult time being optimistic and keeping my head up.  I can't keep getting kicked when I'm down.  I need to fix this and I have no idea how to.