slipping further into obscurity, and deeper into the couch.

It's so sad, but as much as I have already isolated myself, I just want to keep doing it.

Facebook has been the only thing keeping me in touch with a lot of people lately. It seems so safe, you know, you don't have to say too much, people can keep tabs on you, it's controllable, it's enough so that you don't actually have to go and hang out with people you don't care about that much while still pretending that you care! It can be a truly brilliant social networking tool.
The drama that my aunt Debbie keeps stirring up on that stupid website has driven me to the point of not only deleting my facebook account again, but I am also seriously considering staying the fuck away from my family members, as well as most people in general.
I am very well-intentioned when it comes to my relationships with other people. I try to be understanding and open minded and I don't like confrontation and I just think that everyone should get along. If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. That kind of thing. So when my aunt almost breaks her arm and I jokingly suggest an outfit made entirely from bubble wrap (that was probably stupid of me after all that fucking farmville nonsense..) and she acts deeply wounded and makes me feel like a piece of shit... you know what? Okay. Your over-sensitivity and general mean-spiritedness is going to cost you a relationship with someone who could be valuable to you - me. Because you don't deserve the time of day in my eyes, if that's how you are. I am not going to walk on eggshells around you just because you're related to me. That means nothing to me. Your family is only what you build around you, and doesn't necessarily include people who insist on being a victim whenever they are given the chance. In my opinion, she doesn't deserve to get away with that bullshit and I'm not going to let her.

I think the older I get the more difficult it is to be close to people. It's hard to find a friend that you can trust, it's hard to keep in touch when lives are all going in different directions. But you try, because you want to believe that people are good, and that everyone else is going to display the same amount of respect to you as you do them. And continually you are let down by 75% of the people you associate yourself with. I feel like this is probably just me. It probably is...
This could all be some sort of hormonal land mine going off, too...
Who knows.
I'm just sick of people right now. So bye bye facebook, tah for now.. cheerio..

goodbye

It's hard to say goodbye to a person who once meant so much to you.
But sometimes it has to be done because sometimes... some people just deplete our emotional reserves and we have no choice but to cut 'em loose.
This has been happening a lot to me lately.

Fran was supposed to help me pack last weekend. On Saturday she said she had cramps and just didn't feel up to it. I was okay with that. She said she would come the next day - Sunday. We made plans to have swiss chalet and go see the new Twilight movie. It was going to be my treat in thanks for her help. Packing is really difficult when you're almost 6 months pregnant! Much more difficult than I would have imagined. I really needed help and if I knew she was going to fall down on me all weekend I would have accepted one of the many other offers for help that I recieved. But I'm not very smart, and I do not learn from my mistakes.
Saturday night she went to a party (she lied to me), and she was up until 8 am and when she finally got up on Sunday I was pretty much done packing. I wasn't so much mad as I was just really saddened by the fact that I officially had no friend around that I could actually depend on. I felt really stupid for even believing I could trust her to do as she said. I was blown off all weekend and she wasn't even apologizing.
So I told her I was done, I didn't need to be a burden in someone's life and I didn't need another fair weather friend. Of course, I am so sensitive and emotional, I was really upset and it wasn't easy for me to do this. But I did. And then she just got really mean. Told me to fuck off and called me crazy and even trashed me on facebook.
I don't give a shit about losing a friend who wasn't much of a friend to begin with. What saddens me is that I was so naive that I stayed in this empty friendship for so long because of loneliness. We weren't friends because she did anything for me. I tried really hard and she just fucked me around time and again and I stuck around out of loneliness.
So. Lesson learned.

It's not easy maintaining relationships with people. People hurt. Being close to anyone is hurtful but in the end, we have to cherish memories of good times we've had and try not to hold on to something just because we're afraid of who we will be without it. The most important relationship we have is with ourselves, after all. So we have to be respectful of it.

increased absent-mindedness.

I got out of the shower a couple hours ago. My routine is to put lotion on, do my makeup, deal with my hair, and go get dressed. Deodorant after the shirt goes on so as to avoid making any mess on the shirt. Perfume, socks, away we go.
But today I did everything but the deodorant part. And I don't know about everyone else, but if I don't get that shit on promptly, I start to smell in no time. I don't know what it is.
So I was sitting here thinking about what I could write about today when I stretched my arms and caught a whiff of myself. And I was like what the hell is this?! And then I realized I forgot the crucial deodorant step.
I'm wearing a new top today and now it is soiled with the smell of my pungent body odour. That isn't even fair. And now I am wearing the deodorant but is it too late? Now that the smell has surfaced is it going to overpower the deodorant and remain stuck to me all day? Am I going to smell like a mixture of Harajuku perfume and foreign man from Eastern Europe? Ugh.

greener pastures.

Does anyone ever really know another person?
I honestly doubt it. All my life I have really tried to be a good person, and for the most part I do alright, but it's always the people I love the most that I tread all over and take advantage of. Maybe that's how everybody operates, and perhaps I'm not alone there. But why would I ever be that way?
Turning over a new leaf is refreshing and I am happy to be in the position I am in these days. Before I got pregnant I was still a fuck up. I drank all the time and did stupid shit and went to parties with a bunch of idiots and made Mike mad at me all the time, poor guy.. And now everything is really, really, really boring. But it is healthy and with a cleaner mind and body I can look around at everyone else and feel relief at the fact that I don't have to be anyone I used to be. I can be somebody new. I don't have to fuck up anymore. I don't have to fall down drunk in a bar and lose my cell phone and forget what happened the next day.
So a friend of mine went to a party the other night and made some pretty rotten choices. One of them was to have sex with a guy I used to know. This guy used to be completely in love with me. And as far as I knew he still was, I ran into him a few times. Okay, so the friend is Fran. I don't even feel like beating around the bush. I know I have no right to be upset by the fact that this transpired at all, but I have to wonder if that would have ever happened had I not been pregnant, and were at the same party. I know it wouldn't have.
Do you ever really know anybody?
I thought I knew Joel and he turned out to be somebody so completely different than I had thought he was for the 2 years I spent with him. Now I am facebook friends with him and I see him falling compleeeeetely in love with girl after girl after girl, and now I can see clearly that he was never in love with me, and he is not in love with any of these girls, either.
Human beings just have a way of making you feel like a complete retard, don't they?
Adam. Adam was a total piece of shit. I hate even thinking about him, he makes me skin crawl and the thought of him brings up so much anger inside me that I could still stab him in the throat if he were standing right in front of me and feel no way about it. Pond scum.
And of course there have been plenty of people who have thought that they could trust me and they were wrong. I have betrayed people for my own personal benefit time after time and sometimes, miraculously, I am forgiven. I do not ever want to hurt Mike the way I have hurt other people. Mike is the most pure of heart person I have ever met. Or is he? Do you ever really know a person?
What is the right thing to do? Do you fess up and admit to everything you have ever done that was dishonest or selfish? Or do you keep all that shit inside you so that you don't hurt anybody else? And what about the people that hurt you? Do you forgive and forget or do you forgive but never forget? Do you stay close because you are afraid of who you are without that person's friendship or do you move on because you've never done anything to hurt another person and you've never needed anyone's forgiveness before?
Let he who is without sin, I guess...

how the day will go

Mornings are always so full of possibility. If you wake up and the sun is shining - it makes you feel like you can do anything! You make some coffee, you drink 2 cups, you put your laundry in the wash and you sit to write something in your blog. You do the blogging thing because you'll be damned if having a child is going to stifle every outlet that you enjoy. So you blog. About nothing. Fine.
So. Right.
The sun is shining (but the sun doesn't really shine, does it? I mean, the back of a CD shines. Disco balls shine. Suns don't really shine. Need to find another word). There is only a small window of time that is of any use to you before you fall back into the familiar habit of sitting on the couch all day long, refusing to shower because no one important ever sees you anyway. You'll do the dishes - and that's enough. What more can possibly be expected of you? You're pregnant! It's like the free pass you've been hoping for your entire life!

The phone rings and it's your friend. The one you told the other day that you would babysit for on Friday.
So that's where I'm sitting now. I've committed to babysit a 10-month old baby. I don't know anything about babies, pregnant or not. I will learn, that's what they tell me..
So today I have to go to the bank, I have to go to the mall with Jamie and Victoria, I have to pick up some groceries, I have to make dinner and dessert for Mike because I haven't done that in a really long time and I don't want him to be scared of living with me.

I also have to pay some bills.

You know what's probably the most irritating thing that happens to me on a weekly basis?
I will go do my laundry, costs $5 to wash and dry 2 loads. So I do colours and lights. And you know what happened one time? I completely forgot to put the soap in. So I washed, and dried, and folded, and everything was still filthy. But that was only one time. On a regular basis I will be waiting for my laundry to finish drying when I will notice a pile of clothes in the bathroom that I neglected to throw in the hamper. A t-shirt on the floor. Several pairs of underwear. And I feel like a bit of a failure because I let the laundry get the best of me again.

So I'm off to finish the laundry, have a shower, go to the bank, to the mall, what have you...

banking can be this uncomfortable.

Dear TD Canada Trust,

You and I have been together quite some time now, yes?
But I feel as if our relationship hasn't really progressed.

I know that it's normal to have trust issues in the beginning of any new relationship. But you and I have been going steady for a year and a half now. Can't you trust me? Why won't you let me take money out of my account the day that I deposit it? Why do you make me wait a whole goddamn week? Have I ever let you down before?
All you do is take and take and take, and frankly TD, I have nothing left to give.
You take money from me every time I use an ATM that doesn't belong to you.
You take money from me when something bounces. Do you know what that means? YOU TAKE MONEY FROM ME BECAUSE I HAVE NO MONEY!
And you don't only take a little bit. You take like $40.00. As if my financial situation has just really put you in such a bad position that you're entitled to it. That's a lot of money, and if shit is bouncing, chances are I need it more than you, TD. By the way, shit bounces all the time because you make me wait a million years to gain access to MY OWN MONEY! And then you take and take and take and FUCK YOU, TD!
You take about $30.00 out of my account every month, by way of charging me to go through this hell you put me through!

To tell you the truth, you've really played me the fool TD. I can't go on living like this. Do you realize how much better a jar in the backyard would treat me than you do? A piggy bank? A safe? Any of them would be glad to have me and they would treat me like a real lady.

That is why I think it's best if we see other people.

twiddling thumbs

I cleaned the apartment!
Well, for the most part.
There is a lot to be done before packing and moving out. I have lots of shit that needs to be taken to the dump. I have to give my television to Fran, so she has to come and get it. The balcony is FULL of garbage and recycling that I am just too lazy to carry down to the dumpster in the parking lot. And the bigger that pile gets, the less likely I am to feel like getting that task out of the way. Mike will do it if I ask him nicely. I will help, too.

To the dump: Green chair, TV stand, couch, wooden thing by front door, desk, bookshelves (mike has to build me new ones), dresser, bar cart, hopefully that's it.

I sorted out 3 garbage bags full of clothes that are going to be on their way to goodwill sometime this week.
I called in my prescription refill even though I'm not able to go and pick it up. I scheduled my maternity registration visit (January 8th) and so far I have read 37 pages of Kavalier and Clay. Productive day, I'd say.
It's 2pm and I am bored out of my skull.
Might have to get my ass over to mom and dads because I have nothing else to do.
Mike wants me to go get my flu shot but I reeeeeally don't want to go do that. I'm not that scared of getting the flu. I'm sure I'll survive the flu. Hours and hours of waiting for a flu shot I may not survive. Not in the spirits that I am in due to my lack of anti-depressants.

Ugh, it's just that getting to mom and dads is such a huge excursion and once I get there, there is just as much to do there as there is here. What I really need is a hobby. Or something. Fuck I'm bored.

Signed up for youvegotsupper.com e-mails. They send you grocery lists and recipes for all your dinners. This will be fun because I've promised myself that I will make at least 2 meals a week that they send to me through e-mail. So that's something.

I have to go to mom and dads, I'm way too bored to stay here.

need maid, will pay with hugs

Scene:
A girl in her pajamas, sitting on a broken vinyl futon, on her laptop. Hair is standing straight up on end. Ben Sollee is singing in the background about a change that's going to come. A ferret is under the broken futon making disturbing sounds. On the coffee table: a box of swiss cheese crackers, Palmers Tummy Butter, Prenatal Vitamins, an apple core, empty pudding cup, 3 candles, 4 empty coffee mugs, black nail polish, various papers, tic tacs, 2 other types of lotions.
Girl screams, runs into kitchen, picks up pizza box and throws it across the apartment. End of scene.

I'm sure you got my point.
I'm never even really at home so how did my apartment get to be such a festering shit hole?
It takes me a couple of hours to get in the shower after I wake up. It's like a momentous task that requires plenty of preparation time. Then I get read, takes about 45 minutes, then I try to find something to wear but my options are severely limited. Must go shopping. Oh right, can't.

Somehow I absolutely must find it in myself to get up and clean this mess, and keep it clean.
Maybe tomorrow.

getting there together

It's certainly been a while since I wrote.
I promised myself I wouldn't do that anymore; that I would write even if I felt like I had nothing at all to say. I need to start keeping promises to myself. At the very least, writing might help me work through the emotional roller coasters.

I feel kind of bad for my son. He's going to have a lot of challenges in his life. We all have a lot of challenges. If he is depressed, I don't know how I'm going to deal with that. I will know that I gave him that and that he hurts in ways he won't talk about. And that will terrify me. I hope that I am a good enough mother that he will have the tools to get through his darkest times. I don't know anything about raising children, so hopefully I figure it out. Hopefully I can manage to make him feel comfortable talking to me about stuff. Hopefully I can one day talk to him about all the bad stuff that happens to everybody...

God knows what else he's going to have to deal with. Life is hard. This kid has no idea what he's about to embark on. Or maybe things will be easy for him. Maybe he will be a beautiful person who is incredibly smart and knows himself so well that there is never any wars inside his head. Maybe everything will come easy to him and maybe he will be so talented and so kind that he can go anywhere he chooses, and do whatever he feels like. Maybe he will be that way. I've known people like that. When you cry in front of them they make you feel like a total retard. I would like it if he were like that. Not so emotional or sensitive or unsure. Not so scared and apprehensive and self-conscious.
How the hell do you raise a child to grow up that way? How do you make a person whole and happy? I guess I have no idea what I'm about to embark on either. So we just have to get there together, my son.. my son..