messed up

Well I don't know if it's normal or not, but I have been ridiculously sleepy for the last few days. I could easily sleep for like 2 days solid, I'm sure of it.
Is this another one of those "happens when you're pregnant" things? Am I sick? Did I develop some sort of syndrome? What the hell is going on?!
And while on the topic of sleep, I have been having the wackiest dreams.
The other night I was being held hostage on a shower by a guy who looked like Matthew Lillard. There were other guys and they had their own girls to hold hostage. I didn't recognize any of them. He was stabbing me and I was bleeding like crazy but I wasn't dying or anything. Then I took the knife and started stabbing myself. I said it was "because I'd rather do it to myself than have it done to me". And there were butterflies EVERYWHERE. And then we all played Balderdash. And I sort of fell in love with the Matthew Lillard guy. But eventually I did get out of the situation and ran back to my old apartment, which didn't look anything like it used to. It was dilapidated and there were cats and broken potted plants all over the place. My super and some black lady were yelling at me insanely. That's all I remember.
But yeah. That's a pretty messed up dream.
I could just curl up on the couch right now and sleep... who would it hurt? I don't have any reason to stay awake really. I mean, if I'm tired, why not just sleep? It could be so easy...

I need to paint Carter a picture... Carter is the baby, by the way. I don't like the name particularly but I gave Mike the power to name if we were having a boy. Because I was certain I was having a girl. Lesson learned.
Maybe I should stay awake and paint him something. Maybe I'll sleep. The choice is mine.

why would anyone read this blog it's just insanely pathetic

When did I begin to feel like a prisoner in my own life?

I have what feel to me like flashbacks of another life, before this one. A life where I had friends, a job, money, and I looked great in my underwear. I drank martinis at One Duke and picked up a bouquet of flowers on the way home, just because. I smoked on patios and did some drugs when they were offered. I had a zillion boyfriends and I made art. I listened to music loudly while I devoured poetry on my bed, all night long. I drank wine in the tub and I painted walls lime green.

Now I wake up still tired, and try to fall back asleep. Then I have to get up because the sound of people walking around upstairs is too distracting. I drink 2 cups of coffee and have a shower. Then I sit on the couch. There is never anything on. I get on the computer and I have no one to talk to; there are no new messages on my facebook. I try to read a book, but most of them aren't interesting so I read one I've read before, years ago. I eat too much junk food and my one size fits all bath robe is starting not to fit around my ever-expanding waist. I wonder how much weight I will have to lose after this baby is born.

I know it sounds absolutely awful to even think this way, but I just hope I don't resent this baby. I hope I don't feel like he ruined my life. I hope he doesn't ruin my life. I hope I don't end up a single mom. I hope I don't start wearing mom jeans. I hope I still have the will to put on make up when I get out of the shower, and I hope I don't start getting into floral patterns and "the mom show". I hope Mike loves him and we get married and we are a family. I do not want to lose everything that ever mattered to me in exchange for a baby that I didn't exactly ask for. We're coming so close to the end and I am just terrified of what kind of mother I am going to be. What kind of mother has these thoughts? Aren't I supposed to be excited and happy? Sometimes I am. It's just when I sit in this basement and think about it long enough that I start to wonder if I'm capable of doing a good job at this...

In a parallel universe I am writing the antithesis to this blog entry in a cafe, drinking a cup of coffee spiked with several different liquors and waiting for a friend to arrive and spend the afternoon with me. Maybe I'm writing about the trip I am planning to Barcelona. Maybe I am writing about how happy I am that I am going to have a Masters degree soon. Maybe I am writing about how sorry I feel for this person I know, who has depression and can't get the right medication...

Or maybe this is it. This is me and this is who I've been working up to becoming every second of my life so far. Maybe there is nothing left to dream for and no reason to put on make up in the morning because I'm just going to sit on a couch in a basement all day, every day anyway.

goodbye

It's hard to say goodbye to a person who once meant so much to you.
But sometimes it has to be done because sometimes... some people just deplete our emotional reserves and we have no choice but to cut 'em loose.
This has been happening a lot to me lately.

Fran was supposed to help me pack last weekend. On Saturday she said she had cramps and just didn't feel up to it. I was okay with that. She said she would come the next day - Sunday. We made plans to have swiss chalet and go see the new Twilight movie. It was going to be my treat in thanks for her help. Packing is really difficult when you're almost 6 months pregnant! Much more difficult than I would have imagined. I really needed help and if I knew she was going to fall down on me all weekend I would have accepted one of the many other offers for help that I recieved. But I'm not very smart, and I do not learn from my mistakes.
Saturday night she went to a party (she lied to me), and she was up until 8 am and when she finally got up on Sunday I was pretty much done packing. I wasn't so much mad as I was just really saddened by the fact that I officially had no friend around that I could actually depend on. I felt really stupid for even believing I could trust her to do as she said. I was blown off all weekend and she wasn't even apologizing.
So I told her I was done, I didn't need to be a burden in someone's life and I didn't need another fair weather friend. Of course, I am so sensitive and emotional, I was really upset and it wasn't easy for me to do this. But I did. And then she just got really mean. Told me to fuck off and called me crazy and even trashed me on facebook.
I don't give a shit about losing a friend who wasn't much of a friend to begin with. What saddens me is that I was so naive that I stayed in this empty friendship for so long because of loneliness. We weren't friends because she did anything for me. I tried really hard and she just fucked me around time and again and I stuck around out of loneliness.
So. Lesson learned.

It's not easy maintaining relationships with people. People hurt. Being close to anyone is hurtful but in the end, we have to cherish memories of good times we've had and try not to hold on to something just because we're afraid of who we will be without it. The most important relationship we have is with ourselves, after all. So we have to be respectful of it.

getting there together

It's certainly been a while since I wrote.
I promised myself I wouldn't do that anymore; that I would write even if I felt like I had nothing at all to say. I need to start keeping promises to myself. At the very least, writing might help me work through the emotional roller coasters.

I feel kind of bad for my son. He's going to have a lot of challenges in his life. We all have a lot of challenges. If he is depressed, I don't know how I'm going to deal with that. I will know that I gave him that and that he hurts in ways he won't talk about. And that will terrify me. I hope that I am a good enough mother that he will have the tools to get through his darkest times. I don't know anything about raising children, so hopefully I figure it out. Hopefully I can manage to make him feel comfortable talking to me about stuff. Hopefully I can one day talk to him about all the bad stuff that happens to everybody...

God knows what else he's going to have to deal with. Life is hard. This kid has no idea what he's about to embark on. Or maybe things will be easy for him. Maybe he will be a beautiful person who is incredibly smart and knows himself so well that there is never any wars inside his head. Maybe everything will come easy to him and maybe he will be so talented and so kind that he can go anywhere he chooses, and do whatever he feels like. Maybe he will be that way. I've known people like that. When you cry in front of them they make you feel like a total retard. I would like it if he were like that. Not so emotional or sensitive or unsure. Not so scared and apprehensive and self-conscious.
How the hell do you raise a child to grow up that way? How do you make a person whole and happy? I guess I have no idea what I'm about to embark on either. So we just have to get there together, my son.. my son..

I guess I'm ready to write again..

Yesterday was an awful day. Probably the most awful day of my life.

Things haven't been going very well for me lately, emotionally. Whenever I went to work I had a hard time seeming happy. My boss was a complete jerk and a total idiot. I had a hard time smiling when he made me feel like a piece of shit. But this is just me, I mean, jobs and me... I can't hold down a job like a normal person. I get emotionally involved and fuck the whole thing up, every time, i never fails.

So yesterday I go into the office and I don't really want to get into too much detail BUT...
I got fired.
By the new guy. He's been there for 2 weeks and he isn't my boss. At all.
But he fired me.
And then I had to sit at my desk for half an hour crying while I waited for my mom to come and get me so I could get the fuck out of there, which I should've been able to do immediately.
After I left a friend of mine (whom I got an interview for a couple of weeks ago) texts me and tells me that my boss wants her to start immediately.

So I got fired. By the new guy. And then my friend got to take my job.

I know that may not seem like the worst thing that has ever happened, but this was the only decent job I've ever had. And just like that - gone. I wasn't worthy of it. I don't know what it was. I don't know why I got fired. But try to imagine being more emotional than you have ever been in your life (because you're pregnant) and then something like this happening to you. I felt so sorry for myself yesterday... I was behaving like someone had died. I bawled and bawled and lay in bed all day long, not eating, throwing up like crazy, my head was so sore...

I can't get back out there. I can't go try and get another job. I'm terrified. I'm so scared and miserable.. I do not want to be anywhere near any other human beings right now. I feel better just being on my own. This isn't about wallowing either, this is about being as calm as possible and providing the baby with a healthy environment to develop in...
I just need a break.
So hopefully I can get unemployment benefits. Because I have to. Because I can't go back to that right now.

you're stronger than you think

When I think about my life, the things that have happened and the things that haven't happened yet, I almost feel tired. Sometimes I wonder how I will keep up, and if everything is going to turn out alright in the end. I have no way of knowing. I also wonder how transparent I am, and what everybody else can see right through me. I have been a sad person, I've almost always been a sad person. And I don't know how I am ever going to get through that. Medication helped, but now that I'm pregnant I am a complete slave to my emotions. That's fine, it doesn't hurt me, but I worry about my future child. I don't want them to know that their mother is sad. How am I to make certain that that won't ever happen?

I went to the CNE this past weekend and there was a psychic. So I went to her for fun, and shelled out 45 bucks to hear what she had to say. She said the baby will be fine, and will be just like me, but she didn't want to talk about the baby. She wanted to talk about me.
She said that the amount of pain that I feel is enough to give a person a nervous breakdown. She said I've always felt trapped in darkness and she said she worried about how I would be after my pregnancy. she fears post-pardum depression, and she wondered how things got this way for me.

I wonder that all the time. And that is probably the major issue, right there. I am always wondering. I have always lived inside my head and I have always had a hard time making that place comfortable to be in.
I have to try, because I can't be the person that she worries about.

take this job and shove it up your ass.

I don't know if it's the hormones, or if it's my pride, but I am not going to work today. Or ever again. At least, not the honest lawyer.
You see, I worked a 10-hour shift last night and I was only supposed to work a 4 and a half. It wasn't so busy that they needed me; in fact, everyone could see I had no use being there. I wasn't busy, I wasn't making any money.
I told them that if I didn't catch a bus by 12:30 I would have to spend 30 dollars on a cab to get back to my parents' house, and that if I had to do that I would be fucking pissed. They didn't care, they didn't cut me. I told them that my parents had dogs who hadn't been out for a pee since 3 in the afternoon. Nothing.
So I tell myself that if I don't catch that bus to my parents house, and have to spend 30 bucks on a fucking cab, I'm quitting. On principle. Because it's just not fucking cool, especially when there is no need to have me there. They were just being fucking assholes. So I proceed to mope around, not doing anything. My boss takes me into his office and says that because I had been dragging my ass around, I would be closing the resataurant (working until 3am) and I am fucking pissed. I'm never coming back.
So for 3 hours I walk around with tears in my eyes, trying to work but honestly there was nothing to fucking do so mostly I sat in the laundry room with the door locked. Crying.
You know what? You're not my babysitter, Adam. You don't get to be a fucking asshole to me just to teach me a lesson about how to do my job. Fuck you. Seriously, FUCK YOU.
I had to quit anyway, eventually, because no pregnant girl has any business working in a bar. And I didn't want anyone seeing my belly. It just sucks that I didn't have anything else lined up yet. Oh well. That's life.
I feel pretty good about not having to go to work today, and fucking them over. Fucking fascist shithole...

i didn't write this one because i thought anybody would be interested in it, i'll tell ya that much

I think if there is one big mistake, or colossal regret, that any woman can have (and is almost guarunteed to have if she's not too careful), it is that she will let opportunities pass her by, and become a mindless spectator in her own life, dying without ever having discovered who she really is meant to be.

Maybe that sounds like the opening lines of a Bette Midler film, but I don't give a shit; It's the truth!
We owe it to ourselves, and to our unborn children, to make the most of our lives. Mind you, I am typing this from my parents' house in my pajamas in the middle of the afternoon a couple of hours before I head off to a job that I can't stand, but every journey begins with a single step, no?
I feel like I would be failing my little embryo if I refuse take the reins before he or she arrives.

Thus, I will make small but meaningful changes in my life, working up bit by bit.

For starters, I think it's about time that I take a volunteer position. I have to think about what exactly I should devote my valuable time to (unpaid, no less). But surely there is something that sparks an interest in me. I will get back to you on that. Don't expect miracles, I'm talking a few hours a week, at best. Being charitable is not in my nature, but I want to set a good example for my baby while it grows inside me, so it doesn't grow up to become a shit.

Secondly, I am going to the art store and I am going to start painting again. I'm going to get this done this week. I have already picked up a giant canvas, I just need some paints now. Lots of paints.

I once knew a girl who stole a spoon from every restaurant she ate at, and wrote the name of the restaurant on the handle and saved them all in a big treasure chest. Dozens, if not hundreds, of teaspoons. That's a little weird, but it was her thing. It was part of who she was, and I thought it was charming. I think I need to tear a page out of Paige's book on that one.

Also, it couldn't hurt to get up a little earlier from now on, and have a shower before dinnertime. That's a tall order, but I need to try.

I'm going to choke down some wheatgrass and have a shower, and shave my legs because it's been a while and they're looking gross.

planning for the future

I haven't been writing enough, I am so sorry.
There is just so much going on, and I know a bunch of people that I know personally, and who read my blog all the time, are probably wondering what the fuck I've been up to.
Well, I'm afraid you're just going to have to keep wondering for a little while longer. I will try to allude to it as little as possible.

So I have to find a new job. ASAP. I have never really had a real job before. I've tended bar and I have waited tables for years now and I've always been all like okay, when the time is right I will get a real job but I still don't even know what that real job could be and frankly, now I'm running a little short on time. I have to make changes. I can't stay at the lawyer for several reasons. For one, they will never take me seriously or promote me or even make me bartender. In that sense, I have bled the stone that is the honest lawyer. Secondly, I am going to be 23 in less than a month (feel free to e-mail me at lindsayoquinn@gmail.com for a complete list of items I would be overjoyed to receive as gifts) and it is high time I started behaving like an adult. It would be nice to have a day job. It would be nice to have benefits, not that that's at all likely, but I can dream. It would just be nice to be taken seriously, and not have to depend on tips, and not be looked down upon by snooty pieces of shit in suits who demand complimentary pretzels at their table - before they get there, no less - and never want you to approach the table; instead they insist that you just come up to them as soon as they beckon for you. I HATE SERVING!!! (Those gentlemen I affectionately refer to as the pretzel suits, and they are indeed real people, and I hope they die in a plane crash. All of them).
Phew.
Anyway, I also have to move. I can't stay here anymore. I'm not even sure if I can remain in this city. I am dying for a drastic change. Just dying. So I am putting in my 2 months notice to my superintendent and I am going to mosey.
You won't be hearing any stories about parties I've gone to or times when I have gotten so drunk I offered a bouncer a blow job or anything like that anymore because I am officially on the wagon. I mean it, I'm done. This ridiculousness has costed me too much dignity and too much, well, money. I will indulge in the finer things. Like literature and long walks. And lots of ice cream. Lots and lots of ice cream.

Don't mind me, I'm just making some plans..

my konstantine, you spin around me like a dream

Forgive me if this post is a little cryptic, because it will be.
But I did the right thing tonight.
I hurt somebody who needed to be hurt, and it hurt me too.
But it was the right thing.

I love mike so much I think it might kill me sometimes.

waking up

I'm having trouble falling back to sleep. It is after 4:30 in the morning.
I think too much when I'm trying to sleep. I think too much all the time, but especially when I'm trying to fall asleep.
For some reason, I feel as if there is a really big change happening, and I'm not sure if I am ready for it or not.
Mike took me out for dinner tonight and bought me flowers, and he asked me if maybe I might want to move in with him?
Do I want to?
I have made myself promises in the past, when other relationships haven't worked out. I have promised myself I would not live with another man until I am engaged to marry him... (do I want to get married?) And I have considered my bit of a double life and I have trouble choosing sides. But I know what is right and I know who I want to be. Do I have to be the person I am becoming?

Life is just a bunch of choices and in order to be an adult, one must begin by making some decisions they may not want to make. For instance, whether it is a better idea to go out and party for 3 nights solid or if it may be smarter to save some money, rent some movies and spend time with family and friends. Friends who do not drink in excess.
I don't even have any of those.
Point is, I really feel like there is a magnificent change afoot. I can't really tell you what that is yet, because I don't even know. But I do know I only have a little window of time to correct everything I have done wrong, and I fully intend on doing so. For the change.

Now how am I going to fall back asleep?