getting there together

It's certainly been a while since I wrote.
I promised myself I wouldn't do that anymore; that I would write even if I felt like I had nothing at all to say. I need to start keeping promises to myself. At the very least, writing might help me work through the emotional roller coasters.

I feel kind of bad for my son. He's going to have a lot of challenges in his life. We all have a lot of challenges. If he is depressed, I don't know how I'm going to deal with that. I will know that I gave him that and that he hurts in ways he won't talk about. And that will terrify me. I hope that I am a good enough mother that he will have the tools to get through his darkest times. I don't know anything about raising children, so hopefully I figure it out. Hopefully I can manage to make him feel comfortable talking to me about stuff. Hopefully I can one day talk to him about all the bad stuff that happens to everybody...

God knows what else he's going to have to deal with. Life is hard. This kid has no idea what he's about to embark on. Or maybe things will be easy for him. Maybe he will be a beautiful person who is incredibly smart and knows himself so well that there is never any wars inside his head. Maybe everything will come easy to him and maybe he will be so talented and so kind that he can go anywhere he chooses, and do whatever he feels like. Maybe he will be that way. I've known people like that. When you cry in front of them they make you feel like a total retard. I would like it if he were like that. Not so emotional or sensitive or unsure. Not so scared and apprehensive and self-conscious.
How the hell do you raise a child to grow up that way? How do you make a person whole and happy? I guess I have no idea what I'm about to embark on either. So we just have to get there together, my son.. my son..