my poor baby.

I had my first terrifying experience as a mother yesterday. I haven't called anybody and told them about it because I really just don't want to tell the story out loud.
MY POOR BABY! He was born with an undescended testicle. Not supposed to be a big deal at all. Supposed to descend on its own. But I had a feeling from the very start that this left nut of his was going to cause a couple of problems.
And it did.
Yesterday at around dinner time, Carter started screaming. Just screaming and screaming and nobody could figure it out. I tried Gripe water, infant mylicon, tylenol, anbesol, I tried feeding him, rocking him, walking him and driving him and he just screamed. It didn't take me long to decide that we were going to the emergency room. And you know how emergency rooms are. This was at around 6:30pm.
We see a doctor at around 8. He checked him over, asked questions like 'did you change his formula' and such. And he was about to send us home saying that Carter was fine. But I changed his diaper at the hospital. And his pubic area was just so swollen and red and it hurt him to touch it. So, basically, mommy saved the day. Fucking doctors.
It's a hernia! We're off to get xrays done. We are going to pump radiation into our screaming boy. After that the doctor gets on the phone with a surgeon from McMaster children's and guess what? Carter needs emergency surgery...
You, unless you have a child, can not imagine the horror of a baby that will not stop screaming in pain. And you cannot imagine how painful the thought of someone cutting into him is. I felt like dying. I felt like I couldn't be there for it because I'm not strong enough. But I can't leave my baby's side. How could I do that? So I stood by as they poked and prodded and stuck in IVs and whatever else and they wheeled him away from us and into surgery.

Today he's okay. He needs some tylenol every 4 or 5 hours to avoid discomfort and he can't have a bath for a few days... but he made it. Of course. It was a simple surgery. But there was nothing simple about it. My poor baby.

WOW! This thing's still here?

It's good to know that blogs don't just expire, wither and die. Wait, no, maybe they ought to.
Well at any rate, I plan to stick around for a while. I need some kind of outlet as I drown in motherhood. It is a wonderful experience but also incredibly exhausting and a little redundant.
But he is absolutely wonderful, you know.

I finally got a decent sleep last night. I went to bed at 9 and Mike took care of little Carter for me when he needed his middle of the night feedings. I woke up at 4am and made coffee. This is SO not who I used to be. It's great. I've really grown into my role and now that I am a little more comfortable with my responsibilities, I am returning to the blogosphere. I'm sure I've lost all of my readers by now, so we'll just have to build up again, that's all.

Good to be back.

new leaves

I'm blowing off my psych. appointment.

And I don't feel bad about it.

A few weeks ago I started taking Celexa as well as Wellbutrin to combat the anxiety and depression I had sunk into after getting pregnant. At first, as with any new mood altering drug, it was hard to sleep and I felt jittery and just awful. I was considering just giving up on the whole thing. But I was encouraged to persevere by Dr. Steiner and I noticed the difference within a few days of the new medication. It's like magic.
Side note: I know that I'm pregnant and so these drugs are also being passed to the baby, but if the professionals think this is better for the baby than having an emotional wreck of a mother would be, than I must do what I must do. If the professionals thought it would be better to take me off all of the drugs, I would. I really do want the best for my little bean.
So anyway as I was saying, I began to feel better in no time at all. In fact, I haven't had a weepy spell at all since starting on Celexa. This is big! I was having them at least every couple of days. And that is just the beginning!
I got the nesting urge, and got everything ready for Carter's arrival. His clothes are clean and folded, bassinet is in the corner of our room, fit with blankets and mobile, and all of his things have a special place in our tiny environment.
I am painting for him! I had been meaning to do this for months and just couldn't. But now I'm at it. I am rubbing my belly affectionately without even realizing I am doing it. I sing Jimmy Eat World songs to him and fantasize about the moment we meet, what he will look like, and what his favourite disney movie might be. This is how I knew I wanted to be but I wasn't and I knew he deserved better. Now he has better because I feel so much more like me. Fuckin' eh.

So screw the appointment. I will reschedule. I just don't feel like talking about negative feelings today. I left my last appointment feeling like pond scum, anyway. Next time. Promise.

messed up

Well I don't know if it's normal or not, but I have been ridiculously sleepy for the last few days. I could easily sleep for like 2 days solid, I'm sure of it.
Is this another one of those "happens when you're pregnant" things? Am I sick? Did I develop some sort of syndrome? What the hell is going on?!
And while on the topic of sleep, I have been having the wackiest dreams.
The other night I was being held hostage on a shower by a guy who looked like Matthew Lillard. There were other guys and they had their own girls to hold hostage. I didn't recognize any of them. He was stabbing me and I was bleeding like crazy but I wasn't dying or anything. Then I took the knife and started stabbing myself. I said it was "because I'd rather do it to myself than have it done to me". And there were butterflies EVERYWHERE. And then we all played Balderdash. And I sort of fell in love with the Matthew Lillard guy. But eventually I did get out of the situation and ran back to my old apartment, which didn't look anything like it used to. It was dilapidated and there were cats and broken potted plants all over the place. My super and some black lady were yelling at me insanely. That's all I remember.
But yeah. That's a pretty messed up dream.
I could just curl up on the couch right now and sleep... who would it hurt? I don't have any reason to stay awake really. I mean, if I'm tired, why not just sleep? It could be so easy...

I need to paint Carter a picture... Carter is the baby, by the way. I don't like the name particularly but I gave Mike the power to name if we were having a boy. Because I was certain I was having a girl. Lesson learned.
Maybe I should stay awake and paint him something. Maybe I'll sleep. The choice is mine.