things i wouldn't know if i never got pregnant

I am going to impart some valuable wisdom to those who have not (or cannot) experience(d) pregnancy. Go forth, young grasshopper, and sow the seeds of wisdom all along your journey.

1. Yellow tums are the tastiest/least offensive.

2. No matter how true it may be, no pregnant woman likes being called huge, gigantic, massive, big as a house or gargantuan or any variation of the word large, for that matter.

3. Food Basics sells the most variety of lemon-y deserts to satisfy your craving, if you're like me...

4. Eating pineapple will not cause your cervix to soften to the point that your baby will fall out of you like a meatball rolling off your spaghetti, unless maybe you eat 25 of them. Soft cheese is not going to hurt you either: cheese is pasteurized these days. So eat the greek salad. Coffee isn't going to hurt the baby and a little bit of fish is good for you, so tell anyone who looks at you wonky-eyed or like you're a piece of shit for consuming these things to fuck off and look around: there are worse things happening than a pregnant woman enjoying FOOD, for the love of Christ!!!

5. Sneezing really loud at the same time as farting is your best bet of covering up the sound.

5 1/2. Your farts can wake you up in the midst of a very deep sleep, if they're powerful enough.

6. It is possible to regret saying something before you even say it. Particularly to the person who knocked you up.

7. Work hard enough at it, and you might just orgasm after all that doggie style you've been forced to engage in...