things i wouldn't know if i never got pregnant

I am going to impart some valuable wisdom to those who have not (or cannot) experience(d) pregnancy. Go forth, young grasshopper, and sow the seeds of wisdom all along your journey.

1. Yellow tums are the tastiest/least offensive.

2. No matter how true it may be, no pregnant woman likes being called huge, gigantic, massive, big as a house or gargantuan or any variation of the word large, for that matter.

3. Food Basics sells the most variety of lemon-y deserts to satisfy your craving, if you're like me...

4. Eating pineapple will not cause your cervix to soften to the point that your baby will fall out of you like a meatball rolling off your spaghetti, unless maybe you eat 25 of them. Soft cheese is not going to hurt you either: cheese is pasteurized these days. So eat the greek salad. Coffee isn't going to hurt the baby and a little bit of fish is good for you, so tell anyone who looks at you wonky-eyed or like you're a piece of shit for consuming these things to fuck off and look around: there are worse things happening than a pregnant woman enjoying FOOD, for the love of Christ!!!

5. Sneezing really loud at the same time as farting is your best bet of covering up the sound.

5 1/2. Your farts can wake you up in the midst of a very deep sleep, if they're powerful enough.

6. It is possible to regret saying something before you even say it. Particularly to the person who knocked you up.

7. Work hard enough at it, and you might just orgasm after all that doggie style you've been forced to engage in...

I don't know how anyone manages to glow.

UGH.

Here are some of the not-so-glowing-and-beautiful-and-full-of-life realities of being pregnant.

- Last night I tried to hold in a fart (or toot) while watching Rambo 3 with Mike. I couldn't do it, but I was pretty sure I could let it out without any noise. Which I did. But it smelled really really bad and had to pick up the ferret really fast and blame it on him. Mike played along but we both know the truth.

- I refuse to wear anything without stretch. I never thought I'd see the day.

- I can eat an ENTIRE big bag of dill pickle chips without stopping to breathe.

- When I lift my shirt up and spread tummy butter all over my expanding gut, I look over at Mike and I can tell he's a little grossed out by the whole thing. The whole tummy butter thing.

- I can't poop.

- I counted the tiny pimples on my forehead today and the grand total was 21.

- Neck pimples.

- I got up to pee 7 times last night. New record.

- Mike watched Iron Man this morning and I lost my effing mind because it was too goddamn early for frigging IRON MAN! Now he's a little upset with me. Whatever. It is too early. The movie is garbage anyway,a nd he's seen it already. Translation: I am very irritable.