20-10

I was thinking about resolutions.
If there was a year I should be making them, I'm thinking this may be my year. Me and this baby are so close to the end. It's so strange, I've been holding him every second of his life so far and in no time at all he's going to be out of me, into the world, and his own person. I will never see things from his perspective again. He's already growing up too fast.
I don't mind in a lot of ways, really. Being pregnant hasn't been fun for me since day 1. It's been a real struggle, emotionally. I did not miss these emotions that this baby has brought back to me and I want to feel better. I was feeling better for so long, and then I thought I had overcome the depression and then I got pregnant and now it's as bad as ever. I am back to being a slave to my own mind. It keeps me prisoner and it keeps me lonely. I don't go anywhere or do anything. I have lost all of my friends because I just don't want to be out there in the world, with people. So in a lot of ways this pregnancy (and its hormones) have made me feel worse than my depression ever has in the past. My obstetrician and my doctor think that if they can't come up with some kind of medication cocktail that can get me through the rest of this pregnancy I am going to have some wicked post-partum. I'm just taking it day by day. I don't want to be a sad mother. I would call that a bad start.

So, 2010...
What I would really like to do is make this a good year. Last year was great. It was so great. This year is off to a slow start but I want it to be a good year. So. Resolutions.

I'm not going to say no more McDonalds... but I will say 'McDonalds once every 2 weeks'. Fair enough?
McDonalds has been something I've been craving practically every day of this pregnancy. So much so that even Mike has started to get a little grossed out by it (and this is the guy I fart in bed beside night after night. He isn't easy to gross out). Once every 2 weeks sounds fine to me. If I swear it off entirely, I will only find myself bathing in big mac sauce within 7 hours.

I have to start being a little more proactive about my own happiness.
Okay. So I live in a basement. I'm as big as a house. Walking up the stairs practically kills me and I hate going out in public. Why should that stop me from getting out there once in a while and being productive, god dammit? So what I'm thinking I should do is volunteer someplace or pick up a hobby. Volunteering someplace is iffy simply because in a strange situation and I may very well have a panic attack on my first day, but nothing is going to get any better unless I try. Correct? Right. And painting the wine glasses. Mom thinks that's just the greatest thing I could be spending my time doing, even for some extra cash. Let's just give it a try. It might work out. Lord knows you could use some extra money.

I want to start behaving as if this baby is here, watching me, right now.
I want to be a good mother. I want to do right by this baby and I want to be a part of what makes him wonderful, instead of fucking him all up. This is the most important thing in the world to me so I am going to start now. No matter what happens, this baby is mine and he is staying with me and we have to make it work, so I cannot depend on anyone else to raise him for me. Ergo I must stop breaking down and spending hours in bed crying for no reason. I wouldn't want the baby to see me doing that and I don't need to see myself doing that anymore. Must swallow it down and do something to distract myself from whatever ugly thought is prompting that madness. This is where a hobby comes in...

I am going to stop there because I think it's a healthy start. Now I am going to eat a grapefruit for breakfast and have a shower. but I refuse to wash my hair.