death by depression

I'm trying!
I really am trying to keep an upbeat attitude and be happy. I even tried to volunteer some place but the co-ordinator never called me back... I would be painting if I had the paint... I am trying. I don't like being depressed.
But what if depression is like a terminal illness?
What if, without proper pain management and treatment, it grows and grows like a tumour, and just keeps slowly trying to kill you?
That is what it feels like. When you can't maintain appearances anymore, and when you are constantly worrying about everything and just waiting for everything to turn to shit... that must be this depression thing trying to kill you. This thing in your brain that grows with every negative thought, gets stronger with every tear or insult, and wants you to die.
That's what it feels like, a lot of the time.. like I am just waiting for this thing to kill me.
But I am trying. Fuck. I just want to feel better.