i think i lost the receipt...

Alright, I don't know exactly what I'm doing with this whole baby business. I wasn't planning on this happening, but it is. I don't really know if I'm prepared for it (I'm not prepared actually), but I do know the things I can do in my life and the things I can't do, in order to live with myself. So here we are.

Now that is not to say that this is a picnic, because I will tell you right now, this is no picnic. Nobody at work knows about this yet, and they are all wondering why I haven't been going out to get shit faced with them lately. They are also wondering what's with the mood swings and the incessant hunger. Oh, and they are wondering why I feel nauseous all the time and why the smell of poultry sends me racing to the washroom to vomit. I am really struggling with the fact that I am going to be someone's mother. Really struggling. That is some heavy shit right there, being responsible for a human life. Making sure you don't fuck it right up. Sigh.

I worry about the fact that this is probably going to turn me into a fat cow. I might be a fat cow forever. My youth and my body and my freedom: all gone forever! But at the same time, I think it might be a little bit okay with me once I meet the little person I am making all these changes for. I'm sure he or she is worth it. I am pretty excited in that sense, because I know my body is manufacturing a wonderful human being right now. One who will enrich the lives of so many people, and who will do great things. And hopefully let me live with them when I'm old and crotchety instead of sending me to the home.

Sometimes I'm terrified and sometimes I'm doe-eyed and cool as a cucumber, certain I can handle anything. But the fact is, I'm scared as hell. I don't know if what I am doing is right and I don't know what the future holds. But I do know I am taking responsibility for this baby and I am going to have to try my best. That's all there is to it.